Conversations with students, especially when you're discussing potential violations that occurred during a match, can be difficult. This article provides some tips and techniques you can adapt for your own use to make those conversations more constructive and less combative.
TL;DR: The tone to aim for is you’re not a villain who is punishing them because it’s fun for you. You’re an understanding person who sympathizes with them and wants them to understand what happened. Take your time. Talk to them like you’d talk to a friend.
From a tone/intentionality perspective, try to avoid sounding assertive or unapologetic. Students are likely to respond negatively to either of those, and will want to retaliate. If time permits, frame it as a conversation instead of just presenting the facts. For example, “Hey, you’re team 000A, right? Can we talk about that match for a sec?” starts things off in a casual, non-confrontational tone. If students seem anxious or on edge, you can say something like “Hey, don’t worry, it’s no big deal—it’s just one violation in one match.”
If it is a bigger deal (e.g., a Code of Conduct issue or a major violation / disqualification), be sure to let them explain their side. While they do, LISTEN, and give them signs that you’re hearing and understanding their perspective. Toss in reactions like “Yeah, I see what you’re saying” as appropriate, then pause to think and consider their words. Then reply with what you saw from your perspective, and how that relates to the rules. Open the game manual or Q&A and let them read through it. Even if you’re certain of the rule and what happened, give them time to speak and be heard so they understand you’re not just firing back a response without consideration. Try to politely keep the conversation on topic, and redirect hypotheticals and unrelated content with comments like, “Yeah, that’s a totally different interaction and situation. Let’s try to keep this relevant to this specific interaction.” If they’re angry that you didn’t see something, there’s not much you can do to fix it. Just explain that there was a lot going on in the match, and you can’t go back and see what you didn’t see.
Once you’ve all had a chance to calmly describe your perspective and interpretation, you can make sure they understand your perspective by saying something like “Does that kind of make sense?”
If they’re going to get a disqualification (DQ) you can add something like “I’m sorry, but this does have to be a DQ. It’s only for this match, but the way the rule is written I have to give the DQ.” The apology plus shifting it to a “I’m not doing this to be mean, it’s just out of my control” sometimes pushes the blame off of you and onto the rules (where it belongs!). Remind them that the DQ only affects their score for the current match (it doesn’t “kick them out of the event” or affect them at future events), and that they now have the info they need to avoid repeating that violation.
While our job as referees is related to keeping the event on time, sometimes a calm conversation that puts you three minutes behind is better than an aggressive conversation that keeps you on schedule. Finding the right balance is hard, but one trick is to consider whether the students are raising new points / rule numbers or just loudly repeating the same thing. If they’re just repeating themselves, it’s time to politely wrap it up.
If there’s not a way to end the conversation on a good note, you should simply indicate that you’ve made your final decision and move on (reference rules T1 & G1 if you need to). If possible, you can calmly approach that team or individual later with something like, “Hey, got a minute to talk? I understand that you’re frustrated/angry/disappointed, but you have to remember that we’re all playing by the same set of rules and we’re all allowed to make mistakes. If I made a mistake, I hope that you can help me recognize it so I don’t repeat the same mistake again later. I’ll do the same for you.” Chances are good that after some time to cool down, you’ll both be more level-headed and willing to look at the situation constructively.
Works Cited
Many of the recommendations in this article come from a 2024 post by head referee Afnan Ali, and are used with his permission.